Children

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I really want children. It's a scary thought, giving up so much time and energy for this thing that torments you internally for 9 months. What's scarier still is that people assume that all women have this button inside them that is pushed the second that little guy or girl comes out. Sure, these people don't normally assume that these instincts we're granted will answer every single question; but the mysticism surrounding women and their children disturbs me more than anything.

It seems unfair to make this assumption at all. Some women aren't fit to be mothers. Some women are fit, but no matter what kinds of internal prompts they receive, their heart won't be in the job. I'm wary of the unconditional love people talk about the moment they set their eyes on their baby's face. It can't be this universal thing; that's too hard to believe. It's easy for people who were prepared and wanted it or have at least warmed up to the idea. But I--who am scrambling against the clock trying to accomplish my goals, constantly aware that the relatively free schedule of a college student is running out--I am terrified of losing what little free time I'll have left.

It sounds really selfish, I'm sure. I cannot say that I admire mothers on the whole; it's just another thing to be. Regardless of the profession or life choice, what I admire is a devoted and well-informed person. So it is the devoted and well-informed mothers I admire. I guess I just can't avoid the question that keeps running through my head: Just because I have this uterus, am I forced to use it to house another human life--one that I'll be responsible for for years?

Selfish as it might sound, I'm more concerned about fulfilling my own goals and supporting the dreams of those around me who already exist than dreaming about the unborn children I might make one day. Or maybe it's not selfish. No one calls a childless man selfish when he's not feeling paternal.

Anyway... felt good to get that out. This isn't some decision I need to make any time soon. It's just something that's been gnawing on me for a while.