Something I never do

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Jake asked via AIM last night when I told him how frazzled I was about the upcoming week.

My usual answer: "Nah, thanks."

My answer last night: "I might want to talk a lot more than usual this week. Sorry if it's a lot."

It's pointless to ask why it's so hard for me to ask for help, because it's just part of me. Even when I was a kid fretting over fractions and paltry reading assignments, I didn't want any guidance. I knew I could get through it.

Either my problems are getting bigger or I'm a lot less tough than I was when I was 6-16. No matter how many times I argue with myself about it... no matter how many times I prove myself wrong, at the end of the day I always feel like I'm weak if I have to lean on someone. I've all but given up overcoming this feeling. It's a good thing Jake can read me so well. I hardly ever have to actually ask. Even from miles away, he can read me.

It's hard to write about a person who gives me so much support. It's hard even though I smile uncontrollably every time I listen to his "just because" voice mails. It's hard even though he tells me all the time that he's proud of who I am and what I do. It's hard even though, when we're alone, I know I can break down on the ground crying about nothing and I'll still be a strong person in his eyes. What makes it hardest is that he understands this fault of mine and accepts it with all his heart.

Pride, pride, pride. I'll never overcome it completely. But still, thank you.