Self

Where's the line that is drawn between bettering yourself and changing who you are/should be? What should you be? Is there something we're meant to be that shouldn't be changed, or is it okay to transform? Is it all right to keep and even treasure the flaws that might very well be neutral characteristics that just happen to offend some? If I stop trying to change what can never be changed--the fact that I'm imperfect--will I think of others more kindly? When my frustration with myself fades, will it fade for those around me, too? To what extent is that giving up, losing my values, and being afraid of having standards?

Whatever I am, I think I'm tired of trying to make it different--at least for now.

Wet behind the mouse

Newcomers to the internet. They send you crap you've seen before and/or have disproved through snopes.com and cross-referencing.

My father has turned into one of these people. There are ways I can punish him for this. I'm seriously considering doing them.

Rag-Eww,

Sometimes, when I'm cooking a big pot of week-long pasta, I feel guilty. Two years in culinary school, and I'm still pouring canned pasta sauce into a pot, putting a little water in the jar, shaking it, and then pouring the watery excess in. Pasta sauce is fairly easy, although it takes a little more time.

Then I think about how I'm going to be singing the national anthem next year and need to practice. Then I think about owning a quality ukulele soon and being able to practice more and get better. Then I think about how I've dreamed about being a published author much longer than I dreamed about having a cooking show.

Then I feel better.

And I eat my pasta with my canned sauce after adding a little more seasoning.

Decisions

"Going green" these days is a lot like eating pomegranates. If it wasn't trendy, a lot of people wouldn't bother, because it's a hassle. That is not to say that I discourage the going of green or the eating of pomegranates.

One of the hardest things to pinpoint is whether or not someone's humor tastes match up with another person's. A friend and I were discussing this. People get lumped into broad categories of humor styles, and assumptions are made. For example, I say something ironic once in a while, but my humor is in general some clever turns of phrase but mostly goofy, off-the-wall stuff. But I used to always be pegged as a person whose humor is basically sarcastic.

It's a hard thing to pin down.

Please enjoy the headache.

I take issue with this cell phone feature that gives the caller "hold" music chosen by the owner as opposed to a ring. I might be less opposed to it if the music chosen wasn't so horrific.

At my job, I make dozens of calls per day to high school graduates. How many times do I need to hear "Smack That" a day? I guess if parents caught on to this fad, I'd be stuck with James Taylor and Van Morrison.

For the record, I have nothing against Van Morrison. I just got really tired of him in high school. He was at every dance, and teachers played his CDs during every "work" period in the classroom.

Brown-eyed girl can kiss my brown eye. That's right, I said it! Come and get me, Computer class teacher from junior year!

Young lady.

Well, it's that time again: Time for me to survey the room and realize that nothing is mine... REALLY mine. That's because I'm still dependent. People gave me things when I moved here--nice things, used things, things I didn't get to choose, things I accepted either out of actual need or out of politeness--none of them mine.

I bought my own mp3 player. That's mine. I bought the bottle of Strawberry Melon Fuze with job money. The empty CC's coffee house cup still in my car once held a latte that was bought with the same money. Little things here and there are mine, and they're mostly entertainment. I own books, comic books, DVDs, and an instrument. Everything else is given (mine, but in a different way) or borrowed.

It must sound like I believe that you are what you own. That's really not the case. I don't want an elaborate life with lots of nice things. I just want to be able to stand in the middle of my living room and think "I earned this..." and not by being a good, hard-working daughter whose parents saw fit to give her a break while she earned her degree. I don't want to depend on someone financially anymore. As terrible as it feels to say, I want to have different primary reasons for helping my folks with chores when I visit. Of course I love them and they deserve a little help. But my first thought it always still "they pay my bills, I can't say no." When I'm free, I'll still want to be the good helpful daughter... even moreso. Because I'll be free because of them.

That said, I know I'm never going to be an island, as much as I pretend to be sometimes. Success is almost never gained alone. If I ever have an ego big enough to think the victory of graduation is only mine, I hope that Australian guy from Jurassic Park puts me out of my misery while murmuring,"clever girl."

I still call people older than me "the adults" as opposed to me... a kid, I guess. People in the UK insisted I stop using "Mr." or "Ms." I was old enough to call anyone by their first name. I'd earned it as an adult. Man, that felt good. And coming home, it was a hard habit to break. I started thinking of myself as a young woman instead of "young lady!" I guess that's a start.